My Papa, 23/11/11: A year after he passed away.

It's still tough n sad for us even after a year of his demise. My Mama still cry daily, but I can see that she is grasping the fact...her tears are not as free flow as before, and I cry every time I think of him. It's heartbreaking cause he's not going to be part of our life anymore & how he wouldn't be able to see all the changes that we went through & going to go thru after he's gone. It's depressing to think that after a while, we would 'forget' abt him, what he looks like & his voice. I was told time will heal our pain & based on other friends' experience, it actually takes at least 2 yrs for the pain to soothe. To this day, we still talk as if he's still alive. We never refer to him as 'Arwah'. His baju Melayus- the ones he was wearing on the last 12 days he was at home, were still hanging in his bedroom. His sandal is arranged together with our shoes & sandals at the side of the front door. My Mama & my sister still cook his favourite dishes and kuihs. To other peoples, we continue and move on with our lives. But the only constant reminder that he's no longer with us is our almost weekly visit to his grave. 

My Papa was diagnosed with a type of lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes) called mantle cell blastoid in late Apr 2010.  But he was having hematoma (something like 'lebam') in some parts of his body for quite some time since early 2009, but he never went for a thorough check up--> dia mmg jenis takut g hospital sbb takut kena  bedah!  Since late 2009, he was having regular fever, got weaker, lost appetite & hence lost his weight (he was a big tall man & he was the heaviest at almost 100 kg) but still refusing check ups. He finally gave in to my pestering in early March 2010.

With his lymphoma diagnosis, the doctors also found that he had a stone in his ureter. He needed to be admitted immediately so that the doctors could remove the stone first & monitor his health before start him on chemo, but still, he  refused hospitalisation. He asked for a month of 'grace period' from the doctor cause he wanted to seek for alternative medicines. Since his refusal of hospitalisation, we (my mom & sisters) searched around for alternatives. We now suspect, the traditional medicine (in the form of herbs)  that made him got worst & damaged his kidney totally. When he finally agreed to be hospitalised, it was almost too late. He gave in to hospitalisation only bcoz we told him hospitalisation will revive him & no invasive procedure will be done on him. At that time, he was  not eating at all & vomiting & lost at least 15 kg. By then both his kidney were almost not functioning n he needed dialysis daily. He was placed in high dependency ward for nearly 2 weeks, and Alhamdulillah, he showed signs of recovery. Then, he agreed on chemo... after the 1st cycle of chemo he looked better, but by the time of 2nd chemo, he got a resistant bacterial infection. The doctors tested everywhere for the source & tried every antiobiotics available, but the bugs were still there.

The doctors finally agreed on removing one of his kidneys to cure the infection. I remember, we had a hard time making decision: to remove or not to remove. But we finally agreed on the removal, simply because we wanted him to get better.  I still remember all of us (except for Mr AHAH cause he was working that morning & Damia) salam & kissed him before he was wheeled into the OT. We were all crying, including Huda, his dearest grand daughter. Unfortunately, after his kidney was removed, his health spiralled down. He started hallucinating & couldn't sleep. It was really heartbreaking seeing our father, who was a big tall man & always commandeering to be in such state...

We thought of bringing him back home for a while so that he would be better psychologically. But, the doctors finally felt, he had a poor prognosis. They decided to let the nature took its own course on Papa. So we brought him home. I was with him in the ambulance that took us from PPUKM to Sri Adjua, Sg Buloh.  It was the longest 1 hour road journey to me, with him groaning and wailing at the back.  He finally got to see his new house (where my Mama & sister are currently residing), but it wasn't easy for him n for all of us during his last 12 days. He was in pain, lost way too much weight & his skin turned dark from chemo... Finally,  on 23/11/10... I still remember, I was sitting in a meeting & started getting a number of phone calls from my sister, BIL & my Mama. I texted  my then boss asking for his permission to go home, called Mr AHAH (who was at his then workplace @ KLIA) & went into my room to pack my stuffs. I was planning to take the KTM commuter from Bandar Tasik Selatan to Sg Buloh, and was in fact, on the train, but Alhamdulillah, Allah sent me an angel in the form of a fine young lady who was willing to drive me home. Throughout the journey home, I was praying that my Papa would get better & I'd still be in time to see him alive. When I arrived home, my Mama, BIL, cousin & sister were surrounding him reciting Yaasin & taking turns to utter the word 'Allah' to his ears. I went to his side, held his hands & speaked to his ears: Pa, ni Awon Pa! Then I utterred the word 'Allah'. I saw his chest moved and he made a soft heaving sound, and with that, my Papa was with his Creator at 1.30 pm. We strongly believe it is better for him, he didn't have to suffer anymore, but  it's still difficult & tragic for us, especially when we saw what he went through. We always had the feelings that he would recover, but alas, Allah had better plan for him. Papa was 60.

Since he left, there is this void in our lives. All of us, my Mama especially, are deeply affected by his early demise. My Papa didn't get the chance to see the birth of his first grand son, though he knew he was getting one. He was missed by his aged parents too, so much so till the health of his father deteriorated. Alas, Tok Abah succumbed to his old age, and we received news of his death @ 8 am on 20/11/11, just 3 days before today. Tok Abah was 92.

Huda & her Wan, 6 days before he passed away

Papa, as I want to remember him, 10 months before he passed away

We love you so much Papa. May Allah The Almighty bless your soul and grant you a place in the highest  Jannah. May Allah The Almighty have mercy on Tok Abah's soul and grant him a place in the highest Jannah too. Al-fatihah.