Papa

Today, 25th March, is my Papa's birthday. He would've been 62 years old, had he still alive. We miss you so much Papa! Al-fatihah.

Papa, with his first grandchild, Huda Maisarah, on Aidiladha 2010; 6 days before he passed away

Papa with Huda Maisarah. 16th May 2010- The day he decided to forego hospitalisation and chemotherapy; 6 months before he passed away

Only Papa can make Huda laughed then.

C'est la vie!

Make gula

Why did I write the title as 'Make gula' & not, 'Make sugar', or why not 'Buat gula'? Hehe... The reason simply because none of the three options are correct to define the 'Make gula' that I'm going to write about. It all started when a friend invited me to a wedding of his brother in Salor, Kota Bharu. The Kelantanese have their own distinctive unique dialect that is very different from the standard Bahasa Malaysia/ Melayu (BM). To top that off, the Kelantanese also have a certain soft and smooth rhythm in the way they speak that most of the time left me in awe! The Kelantanese Malay (KM) dialect is very, very much different from where I came from, where the standard BM is used at large. But I am privileged to have quite a good command of the Kedah and Perak Malay dialects, since I am married to a Perakian who speaks in Perak dialect. My late Papa was also from Perak and my Mama is from Kedah.

Most of the KM words are the same as the standard BM, but the different is in the way the words are being pronounced. For example, eat in standard BM is 'makan', but in KM, its make, and no... it's not make as in the English word! Another example, road or go in standard BM is 'jalan', but in KM, its jale. Writing the KM words do not do justice to their pronounciation, as I've mentioned earlier, the Kelantanese have their own rhythm and diction when they speak:) The place where I'm working now is Kubang Kerian in standard BM, but in KM dialect, its Kube Kiye! One suburb in Kota Bharu is called Cherang, but to the Kelantanese, its Chere, and Gua Musang is Guo Muse. Confused? There are more! 

There are some words that are totally different from the standard BM though. I remember when I was in Perth, my housemate told me that in the KM dialect, 'tangkap gambar' (taking photos) is pukul gambar, rosak (damaged) is punah and keluar (out/ exit) is tubik. My youngest sister is married to a Kelantanese from Tanah Merah, but since my brother in law does not have anybody else to speak with  in the KM dialect at home, he speaks in standard BM most of the time. Last year, when his mother came to visit at my Mama's place, his mother asked for a supik from me. I thought I heard wrongly and asked her to repeat. Supik, again came the word. I actually have to ask her what is supik? It turned out that supik are plastic bags to put food in! Funny? Intrigued? Wait... there are more :D 

My husband and I went to a  restaurant to eat cendol, and they have in their menu: cendol special and 'biasa' (regular). We asked the waiter what are the differences between the two, and he listed out the ingredients in the special cendol that are not in the regular cendol, one of which both of us could not comprehend even after the waiter repeated twice. When the special cendol was served before us, we found out that cincau (grass jelly) was the ingredient which we did not picked up. But, we still couldn't figure out the KM dialect of cincau, so I asked my office mate, and its actually beleda ite to the Kelantanese! Apparently, beleda is 'agar-agar' or 'lengkong' (jelly) to the Kelantanese, and since cincau is black in colour (ite in KM dialect), hence beleda ite ;D

So back to make gula... It's actually 'makan kenduri' in standard BM (loosely translated to English as attending a wedding/ feast). Somehow, the Kelantanese associate 'gulai' (loosely translated to English as curry) with weddings as it is commonly being served at weddings (but the curry in Kelantan is different from the curry that I'm used to, errr... that could be another blog post altogether!). Hence, attending a wedding in KM dialect is called make gula. In KM dialect, there is always a silent 'i' for words ending with an 'i', for example: pandai (clever) is panda, kedai (shop) is keda and pakai (wear) is paka. In the context of gulai (curry), it becomes gula, but 'gula' is also sugar in standard BM! But to the Kelantanese, gula (sugar) is gulo! Interesting? Yes? 

My brother in law listed down some of the different wedding-related terms used by the Kelantanese, and mind you, some of them are really distinctive from the standard BM terms that I know. Here are the list:

Kelantanese Malay dialect	Standard Bahasa Malaysia	English (Loose translation)
Bekwah	Kenduri (pada Tuan Rumah)	Wedding feast (To the host)
Siso @ telor siso	Lauk kenduri yang dibawa balik	Wedding dishes that are bought home by the attendees
Belarok	Rombongan pengantin	The newly-weds entourage
Mengele	Salam sambil hulur duit pada ibu-bapa pengantin	Shaking hand with the newly-weds parents (the host) while giving money
Jengkaka	Penanggah/ Bentara	Persons who help in food serving during wedding feast

Owh, by the way, do you know that the Kelantanese use riyal instead of ringgit as their 'currency'? ;D 

C'est la vie!

Missing them!

11 years & counting...

On this special day, 11 years ago, we solemnised our love in a nikah ceremony. I still  remember vividly the very night when our nikah took place.  It was the first wedding in the family, with me being the eldest daughter & grand daughter, so it was kind of 'grand' in our own little way.   During these 11 years, Mr AHAH & I climbed lots of mountains, waded too many swamps, crossed different paths, swam an ocean or two, withstood a few storms, walked across valleys and braved out all the resistant elements. We put up with each other's antics & tantrums! And we even quarreled, argued and fought each other... But, at the end of the day, he is still the last person that I hold before I sleep & early in the morning, he is the first person that I see when I wake up.  On this special day, today, I look back at all we had gone through together & praise Allah for allowing me to get to know this wonderful man, and be his wife. Despite our incompatibilities, I truly believe that Mr AHAH is... 'jodoh yang terbaik yang telah ditentukan Allah untuk diri saya!' I pray that he would be my one & only husband, dunia & akhirat, InsyaAllah. I discovered this beautiful poem during my days of commuting on ERL circa 2005-2006, and had fallen in love with the beautiful words since. When I recited this poem to Mr AHAH then, he shared my sentiment. So, this poem has officially be our 'love poem' ever since. How Do I Love Thee?  (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death. Happy 11th year wedding anniversary Mr AHAH. I love you with all my heart & soul.  I pray we will be together dunia & akhirat. Ameen. C'est la vie! The centre of my world: My husband, Mr AHAH

The year that was... 2011

Today is already the 1st day of the year 2012. How time flies, especially when you are having a good time. 2011 was definitely a year to remember, personally. I quit a relatively good job, with a relatively good income, at a relatively 'renown' work place. For making such a major decision in my life, some people called me stupid, some said I was not thinking straight, some questioned: What was she thinking. But, it's my life, so I shun other people's opinions & sought for Allah's guidance & blessing through solat & doa. It was not really difficult to come up with the decision, not after what I went through @ my previous work place. But I was quite tormented to leave my family behind. If only Pengkalan Chepa & Sg Buloh is nearby! Although 'now everybody can fly' with you-know-who, it's still not easy to fly on monthly basis, not with the unnecessary stress that the airline put me through by its delay antics & with the heavy workloads that I'm currently shouldering. 

2011 was the year when someone very senior at my previous work place told me that I lack the 'craziness' to be a reseacher, but yet, I was the only one amongst my colleagues who succeeded in securing an Exploratory Research Grant Scheme (ERGS). Ironically, despite her upsetting remarks, I'm still working as a researcher, writing more & more research proposals that I can ever imagine & assisting in supervising a larger number of postgraduate students than before. And, yes, InsyaAllah, I'll be writing one @ 2 good paper/s with my name as the 1st author.

2011 was the year Mr AHAH & I relocated to Kelantan, and  Pengkalan Chepa is our current home. In our almost 11 years of being married, this is the first time I moved out of KL/Selangor to follow Mr AHAH, though he had been transferred to Kuching & Langkawi before. Alhamdulillah, adjusting to life in Pengkalan Chepa is almost breezy. We are enjoying our less hectic lifestyle here, though I do miss my lifestyle back in KL/Selangor, especially during the weekends. (Our activities then during weekends: Window shopped at different shopping complexes, tried out varieties of food at numerous restaurants & watched movies at the cinemas, and of course.... spending time with my nieces & nephew)

Mr AHAH praying in our empty rented unit in Cheras, July 2011

2011 marked a year of my family members & I survived without my Papa. It's still heartbreaking for all of us, especially for my Mama. But, we coped & managed & InsyaAllah, we will continue to cope & manage. Papa's memories live in our heart forever & our doas to him will never ceased, InsyaAllah. Our family lost our patriarch, 3 days shy of Papa's a year of death. Tok Abah, Papa's father, was 91. I strongly believe, he was silently missing his only son & thinking about him too much until he suffered a stroke on Aidiladha's eve.

Papa, with his two grand daughters on his last Aidilfitri with us, Sept 2010

2011 also was the year that we parted from our dear old family home in Klang. Eventhough my Mama & my sister's family moved into the current family home in June 2010, the Klang house was still ours to go to, whenever want to (especially if we want to get stuffs that had yet to be brought to Sg Buloh). We have been trying to sell the house ever since we moved out, but we have yet to get a buyer. But today, 1/1/12, the house keys will be handed to a new tenant- my dear old friend from my uni days @ UWA. She will be renting our house for at least a year, until we get a buyer. Who would have thought? My uni friend would end up renting my family home.... The house was very nostalgic to all of us, it was our 'home' for 28 years! There were memories written on every nooks & crannies of the house, literally. It's even more nostalgic to me: It was the house where Mr AHAH & I got married! And now it's no longer ours to go home to. 

Mr AHAH & my brother in law, in front of my family home in Klang on 26/12/2011

2011 also was the year that I found my passion in baking. I've been baking almost every weekend ever since I 1st started in November. Mind you, all the recipes that I tried were easy-peasy & I'm no where near all the baking gurus who had carved their names online. Interestingly, I started my baking journey this year with a scone, and ended up with a scone too, despite using two different recipes!

Above: Scone, 25/11/2011; Below: Featherlight scone, 31/12/2011

And finally, 2011 was the year I started blogging, although I've been contemplating the idea of doing so for years.  I truly wish I would have time & drive to continue writing entries in this blog this 2012. I hope I'd be able to capture all the bittersweet moments in 2012 in the form of blog entries... InsyaAllah.

C'est la vie!

My Papa, 23/11/11: A year after he passed away.

It's still tough n sad for us even after a year of his demise. My Mama still cry daily, but I can see that she is grasping the fact...her tears are not as free flow as before, and I cry every time I think of him. It's heartbreaking cause he's not going to be part of our life anymore & how he wouldn't be able to see all the changes that we went through & going to go thru after he's gone. It's depressing to think that after a while, we would 'forget' abt him, what he looks like & his voice. I was told time will heal our pain & based on other friends' experience, it actually takes at least 2 yrs for the pain to soothe. To this day, we still talk as if he's still alive. We never refer to him as 'Arwah'. His baju Melayus- the ones he was wearing on the last 12 days he was at home, were still hanging in his bedroom. His sandal is arranged together with our shoes & sandals at the side of the front door. My Mama & my sister still cook his favourite dishes and kuihs. To other peoples, we continue and move on with our lives. But the only constant reminder that he's no longer with us is our almost weekly visit to his grave. 

My Papa was diagnosed with a type of lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes) called mantle cell blastoid in late Apr 2010.  But he was having hematoma (something like 'lebam') in some parts of his body for quite some time since early 2009, but he never went for a thorough check up--> dia mmg jenis takut g hospital sbb takut kena  bedah!  Since late 2009, he was having regular fever, got weaker, lost appetite & hence lost his weight (he was a big tall man & he was the heaviest at almost 100 kg) but still refusing check ups. He finally gave in to my pestering in early March 2010.

With his lymphoma diagnosis, the doctors also found that he had a stone in his ureter. He needed to be admitted immediately so that the doctors could remove the stone first & monitor his health before start him on chemo, but still, he  refused hospitalisation. He asked for a month of 'grace period' from the doctor cause he wanted to seek for alternative medicines. Since his refusal of hospitalisation, we (my mom & sisters) searched around for alternatives. We now suspect, the traditional medicine (in the form of herbs)  that made him got worst & damaged his kidney totally. When he finally agreed to be hospitalised, it was almost too late. He gave in to hospitalisation only bcoz we told him hospitalisation will revive him & no invasive procedure will be done on him. At that time, he was  not eating at all & vomiting & lost at least 15 kg. By then both his kidney were almost not functioning n he needed dialysis daily. He was placed in high dependency ward for nearly 2 weeks, and Alhamdulillah, he showed signs of recovery. Then, he agreed on chemo... after the 1st cycle of chemo he looked better, but by the time of 2nd chemo, he got a resistant bacterial infection. The doctors tested everywhere for the source & tried every antiobiotics available, but the bugs were still there.

The doctors finally agreed on removing one of his kidneys to cure the infection. I remember, we had a hard time making decision: to remove or not to remove. But we finally agreed on the removal, simply because we wanted him to get better.  I still remember all of us (except for Mr AHAH cause he was working that morning & Damia) salam & kissed him before he was wheeled into the OT. We were all crying, including Huda, his dearest grand daughter. Unfortunately, after his kidney was removed, his health spiralled down. He started hallucinating & couldn't sleep. It was really heartbreaking seeing our father, who was a big tall man & always commandeering to be in such state...

We thought of bringing him back home for a while so that he would be better psychologically. But, the doctors finally felt, he had a poor prognosis. They decided to let the nature took its own course on Papa. So we brought him home. I was with him in the ambulance that took us from PPUKM to Sri Adjua, Sg Buloh.  It was the longest 1 hour road journey to me, with him groaning and wailing at the back.  He finally got to see his new house (where my Mama & sister are currently residing), but it wasn't easy for him n for all of us during his last 12 days. He was in pain, lost way too much weight & his skin turned dark from chemo... Finally,  on 23/11/10... I still remember, I was sitting in a meeting & started getting a number of phone calls from my sister, BIL & my Mama. I texted  my then boss asking for his permission to go home, called Mr AHAH (who was at his then workplace @ KLIA) & went into my room to pack my stuffs. I was planning to take the KTM commuter from Bandar Tasik Selatan to Sg Buloh, and was in fact, on the train, but Alhamdulillah, Allah sent me an angel in the form of a fine young lady who was willing to drive me home. Throughout the journey home, I was praying that my Papa would get better & I'd still be in time to see him alive. When I arrived home, my Mama, BIL, cousin & sister were surrounding him reciting Yaasin & taking turns to utter the word 'Allah' to his ears. I went to his side, held his hands & speaked to his ears: Pa, ni Awon Pa! Then I utterred the word 'Allah'. I saw his chest moved and he made a soft heaving sound, and with that, my Papa was with his Creator at 1.30 pm. We strongly believe it is better for him, he didn't have to suffer anymore, but  it's still difficult & tragic for us, especially when we saw what he went through. We always had the feelings that he would recover, but alas, Allah had better plan for him. Papa was 60.

Since he left, there is this void in our lives. All of us, my Mama especially, are deeply affected by his early demise. My Papa didn't get the chance to see the birth of his first grand son, though he knew he was getting one. He was missed by his aged parents too, so much so till the health of his father deteriorated. Alas, Tok Abah succumbed to his old age, and we received news of his death @ 8 am on 20/11/11, just 3 days before today. Tok Abah was 92.

Huda & her Wan, 6 days before he passed away

Papa, as I want to remember him, 10 months before he passed away

We love you so much Papa. May Allah The Almighty bless your soul and grant you a place in the highest  Jannah. May Allah The Almighty have mercy on Tok Abah's soul and grant him a place in the highest Jannah too. Al-fatihah.

My unemployment

I was 'privileged' to be unemployed for almost four months, from the period of 7/7/2011 - 24/10/2011. The first few weeks of the hiatus-from-work period  were spent with friends and loved ones, as the reason why I tendered my resignation was to follow Mr AHAH to Pengkalan Chepa (PC). So the plan was to resign from work early of July, so that by the end of July, I would already be in PC. Everything was planned as such so that I would be spending Ramadhan with Mr AHAH in PC.
After episodes of in denial, packing, moving stuffs to our house at Puncak Alam, spending final moments as KL-gites & cherishing time with the families, I finally arrived in PC 2 days before Ramadhan. I was truly blessed to be able to spend this year's Ramadhan in serenity without the need to think about works nor did I need to go through work-induced or work-related stress. I thank Allah The Almighty for the experience to observe what could have been my best Ramadhan thus far. Alhamdulillah. Observing Ramadhan in a state that is dubbed as 'Serambi Kaabah' (direct translation: Verandah of the Kaabah) was an entirely different ordeal altogether. The voices of muezzins were everywhere during fast breaking time, there was even a siren to signify fast breaking time, courtesy of a fire station nearby. The sound of Quranic phrases being read broke  the silence of the pre-fajr and accompanied our suhoor. During the final phase of Ramadhan, Qiyamullail was performed on almost every mosques... Subhanallah. Of course, there was Ramadhan Bazar @ Pasar Ramadhan, which I did not enjoy much, simply because I was craving for food that I'm used to back home in KL. 

Having went through an episode of being a full time housewife is a treasured experience for me. Knowing the house is spanking clean due to my hardworks & lunch is served every time Mr AHAH came home for his lunch break was priceless. And, not having to stress out over KPIs, but rather, I set my own KPIs, was an utter bliss... But, domesticating a person who had been a wage-earner for the past six years required a lot of passion and patience. The biggest woe is undoubtedly... my bank account is shrinking!
Undeniably, the period of unemployment taught about being thrifty. It made me reflect on my past expenditure. It trained me on containing my shopping nafs! It enlightened me about prioritising the purchase. And definitely, it cultured me on the importance of saving for a rainy day. Now that I'm back to being a bullied coolie with a salary at the end of the month, I pray to Allah The Almighty that I will abide to good practice of money management and will not waste my money unnecessarily, InsyaAllah.
C'est la vie!

Mr AHAH, the supervisor.